#202 Neptune Lttr

#202 Blog Post  —  Wednesday,  3 April 2024

 http://dennyhatch.blogspot.com/2024/04/202-neptune-lttr.html

Posted by Denny Hatch 

 

     The Tale of This Eerie Dreary Letter and
      How It Morphed into a Barrel of Boffo Laffs!

 

                 Dear Margaret:

 

               For over 50 years Neptune Cremation Service and its affiliates have 
                been recognized as the largest and most trusted cremation provider in
                the United States. We provide simple cremation at an affordable price
                without any of the unnecessary services many people don't want.

 

                We want to make sure that we are reaching you, so if you want to
                know more about the benefits of cremation please complete the
                information below and we will deliver to you the latest version of our
                cremation answer book.  

                        

 

       

         

 

       (Detach and Mail)
       -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

        [End of entire 86-word anonymous sales letter to Peggy
        on cheap blank white printer paper with no letterhead nor
        sender's name. Corporate address Milmont Park in
        Pennsylvania (the state where we live) is buried on
        backside of little letter. Company web address (above right)
        for some strange reason will land you Happy Valley, 
        Oregon. No Sender's Signature at letter's close. Mailed in
        a handsome hand-typed vellum envelope with a Business
        Reply Envelope (BRE). No brochure. Nuttin' else.]

 

Okay. I had a lede for a quirky new blog post. Where to next?

 

Over the years I’ve written a gazillion articles, columns, checklists, blog posts plus delivered lectures that added to my proven techniques, rules and how-to’s for creating powerful letters, emails and ad copy. The idea of doing another of these tedious suckers bored the hell out of me — and also most likely you, the reader.

Plus... I’m 88. Cremation ain't a subject I like to think about.  :)

Then It Hit Me — I Remembered The Rolls-Royce of Burials!

Many years ago somebody came up with the wacky scheme that you or your deceased loved one might like sleeping in a casket with music playing forever and ever. Am I nuts? Did I remember the idea correctly?

 

I Googled “coffins play music for eternity” and BINGO!

 

Up popped a slew of merchants and craftsmen selling $20,000 to $30,000 coffins with interior Surround Sound Music. Included are the highest-tech grave markers with solar panels that enable the living to change the music from any place on earth or in space forever. Below is the first of multiple entries:

About 5,530,000 results (0.39 seconds)

CLICK BELOW.

Music To Die For(ever) In Your Casket With Surround Sound ...

https://kingfm.com/music-to-die-forever-in-your-casket-with-surround-sound-video/

Then Click on the Red-and-white
YouTube Arrow on the Casket.

  

 101.9 KING FM - LandonProduction
 Sep 5, 2013

 

 

 

 

Click on the Red-and-white YouTube Arrow on the Casket.

Watch This Dude for the Funniest, Wildest,
Strangest Video Sales Pitch You'll Ever See!

I confess. I find this performance such a hoot I'm not sure this is a legit website offering Surround Sound Coffins for sale.  Or is it an elaborate YouTube put-on?

 

Selling a product or service on online or TV requires a world-class copywriter/pitchman. Have fun and learn from my two all time favorites.

              Billy Mays                               Ron Popeil

http://dennyhatch.blogspot.com/2020/02/85-americas-two-greatest-tv-pitchmen.html

Takeaways to Consider

• "It’s not the cough that carries you off – it’s the coffin they carry you
off in." —Robert Leland Taylor

 

Other memorable quotes by Robert Leland Taylor”

• "My air bag went off this morning. I told her to shut the hell up."

 

• "I may not agree with your position, but I will defend to the death your right to concede."

 

• "If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, you’re probably in the wrong bathroom."

 

• "Just humor me, okay"

 

###

Word Count: 618

 

292pp     6" x 9"
Hardcover:     $39.95
Paperback:     $29.95
ebook/Kindle: $19.95

Amazon

 https://www.amazon.com/Method-Marketing-Denison-Hatch/dp/1648372767/ref=sr_1_9?keywords=method+marketing&qid=1681898276&sr=8-9

Barnes & Noble

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/method-marketing-denison-hatch/1100485178?ean=9781648372766

 

At age 15, Denny Hatch—as a lowly apprentice—wrote his first news release for a Connecticut summer theater. To his astonishment it ran verbatim in The Middletown Press. He was instantly hooked on writing. After a two-year stint in the U.S. Army (1958-60), Denny had nine jobs in his first 12 years in business. He was fired from five of them and went on to save two businesses and start three others. One of his businesses—WHO’S MAILING WHAT! newsletter and archive service founded in 1984—revolutionized the science of how to measure the success of competitors’ direct mail. In the past 55 years he has been a book club director, magazine publisher, advertising copywriter/designer, editor, journalist and marketing consultant. He is the author of four published novels and seven books on business and marketing.

CONTACT

Note to Readers:  
May I send you an alert when each new blog is posted? If so, kindly give me the okay by sending your First Name, Last Name and email to dennyhatch@gmail.com. I guarantee your personal information will not be shared with anyone at any time for any reason. The blog is a free service. No cost. No risk. No obligation. Cancel any time. I look forward to being in touch!

dennyhatch@gmail.com.

IF YOU HAVE TROUBLE POSTING A COMMENT… EMAIL ME! I'LL HELP!
Google owns Blogspot.com and this Comment Section. If you do not have a Google account — or if you find it too damn complicated — contact me directly and I will happily post your comment with a note that this is per your permission. Thank you and do keep in touch. dennyhatch@gmail.com.

Invitation to Marketers and Direct Marketers: 
Guest Blog Posts Are Welcome. 
If you have a marketing story to tell, case history, concept to propose or a memoir, give a shout. I’ll get right back to you. I am: dennyhatch@gmail.com.

You Are Invited to Join the Discussion.

#201 E-Trade TV Ad

 

#201 Blogpost             Wednesday, 20 March 2024

 http://dennyhatch.blogspot.com/2024/03/210-e-trade-tv-ad.html

Posted by Denny Hatch
(With Many Thanks to Robert Hacker)

 

The Goofiest 30-Second Brokerage Spot in
 TV History Perpetrated by a Trendy Agency.

 

E*TRADE Picklebabies Super Bowl Ad 2024. Click Below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JjLr4bdLPIs

 

Founded in 1991 by William A. Porter and Bernard A. Newcomb, E*TRADE enables investors to go online anywhere on earth at any time and trade. Two decades later E*TRADE has 5.2 million account holders, each with an average account value of $70,000+ and a total of more than $360 billion in retail client assets.  

 

On October 2, 2020, E*TRADE joined forces with the Morgan Stanley behemoth with 16 million clients and client assets of $6.3 Trillion.

 

What the Kids Said About E*TRADE in 30 Seconds.

The Script.

RED KID:     So this is Pickleball?

BLUE KID:    It’s basically for babies, but for adults.

RED KID:     It should be called Wiffle tennis.

BLUE KID:    Pickle!

RED KID:     Yeah, aw!

BLUE KID:    Whoo!

RED KID:     These guys are intense.

BLUE KID:    We got nothing to worry about. With E*TRADE
                     from Morgan Stanley, we’re ready for whatever
                     gets served up.

ADULT:          Dude, you gotta work on your trash talk.

RED KID:       I’d rather work on saving for retirement.

BLUE KID:    Or college, since you like to get schooled.

RED KID:      That’s a pretty good burn, right? Got him.

BLUE KID:     Good Game Thanks for coming to our clinic. The
                     first one’s free.

 

 

“GET IN THE GAME... ?????”

Excuse me, a family’s life savings and financial future ain’t a kiddy game.

 

Memories of 30 Years Ago.

 As editor and publisher of Target Marketing magazine for 7 years, I was constantly on the road visiting advertisers and exhibiting (and/or speaking at) direct marketing gatherings.

 

At a big expo, I distinctly remember one oh-so-young marketing guy at the podium proclaiming: “Never forget our main business as direct marketers is satisfying customer’s needs.”

 

 The two-word instant reaction in my head: THAT'S BULLSH**.

 

    Scheduled as the next speaker at the session, I ad-libbed new opening remarks: “Contrary to the words of the distinguished previous speaker, we are not in the business of satisfying needs. I need toilet paper. I need gas for the car. I need Jockey underwear. I want a Jaguar.”

 

    I had wanted a Jaguar ever since my boyhood friend Tony Hayes turned 18 and his parents gave him a 1952 XK120. Yum, yum.

It's doubtful we could afford a Jaguar on our modest income at the time. But the Jaguar folks never came up with an upbeat, informative ad campaign that touted all the reasons why a Jag would enhance our existence and be well worth the investment if we were lucky enough to get our hands on one. 

 

In remembering Tony’s glorious XK120 some 60 years later I finally came up with a unique selling proposition (USP) for this cranky marketing blog/electronic newsletter:

“Direct marketing is the science and art
of creating wants and changing behavior.”

 

Back to the Present.  Let’s Start with the West Coast Agency That Played Holy Moly Mayhem with E*TRADE’s $9 Million Smackers.

 

I Googled E*TRADE's wackadoodle agency.

 

 Below is the very first image in the E*TRADE agency’s slide show welcoming you into their eerie weirdo world.

 

https://www.72andsunny.com

Yep. Above is the first image you see. My three-letter word in reaction:

 

"Huh?"

 

Where the Agency's Dilettantes and Management Blew It.

1.   This Super Bowl spot has nothing to do with brokerage,
   finance or the benefits of using E*TRADE. It was all about
   pickleball.

 

2.   The pickleball ad has no offer, no call-to-action — not even the    suggestion to open an E*TRADE account and how to do it.

 

3.   No way to measure the ad’s success or failure in terms of
  Return on Investment (ROI).

 

Hacker's Wizardry

 I contacted the savviest marker I ever knew — longtime friend, mentor and guru, legendary (now retired) Seattle marketing genius Robert Hacker. I asked Bob about the E*TRADE campaign and the outrageous cost — $7 million for a 30-second oh-so cutesy-poo gag ad. It’s core achievement: extraordinary trompe l’oeil lip synching with adult comments by these ‘Picklebabies.” The campaign was most likely created by a hotshot, hip agency. (My take: 72andSunny is far more interested in agency publicity and winning awards rather than  advertisements that bring in money and customers for their clients).

 

Retired Bob Hacker successfully engaging in his favorite hobby.
(Second favorite hobby: creating magnificent wooden salad bowls)

 

Bob’s Immediate Reply:

Can only share my experience. I started out as an advertising guy, both on the agency and client side.  It was fun, gotta say, but it was bereft of meaning.  Advertising is all about “how cool can you be?”  Since the 50’s or 60’s it has never been about client ROI.  It’s always about “cool”.  Can I get recognized as “cool”?  Can I win an award?  Can I get a free trip to Cannes?   Can I work for an agency or client that does “cooler stuff” than I’m doing now?  It’s always about “me”, never the client and/or their business needs.  So I left the fey cult of cutie pie for the world of ROI.  Loved it!  No more “how cool am I” award shows, just ROI.  If you beat the ROI target, you’re a hero, miss it, you’re a zero.  Love that world.  Could never go back to the cutie pie world.  Do I really care what creative peers think of me?  Hell no!  I cared about how much money my clients made with my help.  You can argue about what’s cooler, there’s no argument about doubling a client’s profit.  Love that world.

To that end, if you run an Excel spreadsheet modeling a Super Bowl commercial, Can’t imagine it would pencil…unless you are totally invested in how your creative team feels about their work.

 

 So, Now Let’s Do Some Math for 

 A Typical Package Goods Product.

•  Advertising cost in a typical Fortune 500 is usually 2-4% of
    sales.  Let’s assume 3% for this exercise.

 

•  Super Bowl commercial is about $7,000,000. 

 

•  Production and agency fees would be another $2,000,000 
    for a total of $9,000,000.

 

•  To hit the 3% cost-per-sale figure, the spot would have to
    generate ($9,000,000/.03) = $300,000,000.

 

•  That’s the bet.  That’s the way a direct marketing agency
    would present it.  A general agency never does the calculation. 
    If they did, they’d never get to run the spot.

    

•  Why do direct marketers and general agency people behave
    so differently?  To a general agency, the client has a budget
    for them to spend.  A direct marketer has funds to invest.

 

•  And they always work hard to avoid making a bad bet.

 

•  Different assumptions would drive a different model. Use
    your own, see if you would still make the bet.

Takeaways to Consider:

 

The Ten Inviolable Rules of Advertising

Compiled by Denny Hatch Over 60 Years. 

 

Rule #1: “The only purpose of advertising is to make sales. It is profitable or unprofitable according to its actual sales.” 

—Claude Hopkins, Scientific Advertising

 

Rule #2: “Your job is to sell, not entertain.” 

—Jack Maxson, freelancer, creator of the Brookstone catalog

 

Rule #3: “If it doesn’t sell, it’s not creative.” 

—Credo of Benton and Bowles, Chicago, in the 1930s

 

Rule #4: “Every time we get creative we lose money.” 

—Ed McCabe, president of BMG Music Club

 

Rule #5: “Beware of humor in advertising. People don’t buy from clowns.” —David Ogilvy

 

Rule #6: The 7 emotional hot buttons that make people buy: Fear – Greed – Guilt – Anger – Exclusivity – Salvation – Flattery 

—Bob Hacker, Axel Anderssen, Denny Hatch 

 

Rule #7: “The prospect doesn’t give a damn about you, your company or your product. All that matters is, ‘What’s in it for me?’” 

—Bob Hacker

 

Rule #8: Always listen to W-I-I FM.  

—Direct Marketing Old Saw

 

Rule #9: “Always make it easy to order.”  

—Elsworth Howell, CEO, Grolier Enterprises

 

Rule #10. "Awards are like hemorrhoids. Sooner or later every asshole gets one."

—Charlotte Rampling/Francois Ozon.  "Swimming Pool."

 

###

 

Word Count: 1320

 

 

292pp     6" x 9"
Hardcover:     $39.95
Paperback:     $29.95
ebook/Kindle: $19.95

Amazon

 https://www.amazon.com/Method-Marketing-Denison-Hatch/dp/1648372767/ref=sr_1_9?keywords=method+marketing&qid=1681898276&sr=8-9

Barnes & Noble

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/method-marketing-denison-hatch/1100485178?ean=9781648372766

 

At age 15, Denny Hatch—as a lowly apprentice—wrote his first news release for a Connecticut summer theater. To his astonishment it ran verbatim in The Middletown Press. He was instantly hooked on writing. After a two-year stint in the U.S. Army (1958-60), Denny had nine jobs in his first 12 years in business. He was fired from five of them and went on to save two businesses and start three others. One of his businesses—WHO’S MAILING WHAT! newsletter and archive service founded in 1984—revolutionized the science of how to measure the success of competitors’ direct mail. In the past 55 years he has been a book club director, magazine publisher, advertising copywriter/designer, editor, journalist and marketing consultant. He is the author of four published novels and seven books on business and marketing.

CONTACT
dennyhatch@gmail.com

Note to Readers:  Denny Hatch's Marketing Blog is FREE.
No Cost. No Risk. No Obligation. Cancel Any Time. Learn. Enjoy.
May I send you an alert when each new blog is posted? If so, kindly give me the okay by sending your First Name, Last Name and email to dennyhatch@yahoo.com. I guarantee your personal information will not be shared with anyone at any time for any reason. The blog is a free service. No cost. No risk. No obligation. Cancel any time. I look forward to being in touch!

IF YOU HAVE TROUBLE POSTING A COMMENT… EMAIL ME! I'LL HELP!
Google owns Blogspot.com and this Comment Section. If you do not have a Google account — or if you find it too damn complicated — contact me directly and I will happily post your comment. Thank you and do keep in touch. dennyhatch@yahoo.com

Invitation to Marketers and Direct Marketers: 
Guest Blog Posts Are Welcome. 
If you have a marketing story to tell, case history, concept to propose or a memoir, give a shout. I’ll get right back to you. I am: 

dennyhatch@gmail.com
215-644-9526 (rings on my desk). 

You Are Invited to Join the Discussion.